If Edgar Allan Poe Had Written A Christmas Carol (Humor)


Many long years ago I was a member of the El Paso Manuscript Club, in which I met a great group of outstanding people and fellow writers, many of whom remain close friends to this day.  Every December we held a holiday-themed writing contest with three categories—Articles, Stories, and Poems.  Back in 2000, I decided to tell the same “Christmas” tale two different ways—first as a poem with a distinctly Poe flavor, and then again as a story as told my Mickey Spillane.  Today and Friday I’ll be presenting both.

So, why Christmas-themed stories in July?  First, these stories are really about the humor rather than the season and, secondly, because it’s friggin’ hot out there.  So, to help you cool off, I present:

A Poe Christmas

Once upon a snowstorm dreary, through which I trudged all weak and weary,
Past many a quaint and curious number of advertisement lore
I saw the ad, above some wrapping; on the door I started tapping
At first it was a gentle tapping, tapping at the storefront door
I must gain entry to this store, as there was nothing then I wanted more

Searching for this and nothing more

The toy was here for which I search, leaving me in quite a lurch
Having waited far too long to shop for “The Super Fly-A-Saur”
Eagerly I watched the clerk, beckoning me not to shirk
I quickly entered, nearly berserk; “I must have it,” I said with a smirk
“Where, oh where, be that damned flying dinosaur?”

Quoth the clerk, “The second floor”

Up the escalator I ran, fighting against its downward span
I cursed its descending stairs as I glanced to the ascending flight before
Casually the clerk began her ascent, chuckling at my predicament
“I fear, sir, you shall be spent, before you reach the next department”
I ran, and ran, for far too long, fighting against this tiresome chore

Vowing “Not up the down escalator evermore”

I stopped, bent over double, breathing hard for all my trouble
Crying out with all my might, “Where is this cursed Fly-A-Saur?”
She smiled that stupid service smile, the one that sends me shaking
“Tis over here,” she said, “Right behind that great big door”
“Tis over there, I swear, or my name is not Lenore

“Tis what you seek and nothing more”

I pushed the double doors apart, what I saw gave me a start
“There’s nothing here, I’ve been tricked, where is this hellish dinosaur?”
She smirked again, mocking me, sending me quaking
I felt rage in the making, “Tis right there,” said this shrewish bore
“You see, we’re all out at this store; here’s your rain check, nothing more”

Thus I strangled the fair Lenore

4 Comments

Filed under Author, Humor, Writing

4 responses to “If Edgar Allan Poe Had Written A Christmas Carol (Humor)

  1. marinka2011

    This is really good! It did help me to cool off. 🙂

  2. Sue Burleigh

    Bored one night at work (retail), I wrote ‘Twas Four Days Til Christmas. I’m thrilled to come across this. Delightful! Simply delightful!

  3. I love this! Great job sticking with the rhyme scheme and providing some “holiday” cheer! A great tribute to Poe.